Well, I’m going to douche myself

A conflict I’ve struggled with most recently is really an amplification of a life-long conundrum.  The 20^th verse of the Tao Te Ching speaks of finding peace, satisfaction, and happiness in all that you have now and learn to abandon anxiety over what you don’t.  The endless “keeping up with the Jones’” and striving to achieve lofty goals is what western society teaches us as “ambition”.  Rarely in this quest do we take stock in the moment and realize that all we need to be happy is here, now.  Let me backtrack a bit.  Being back on the ‘market’ brings with it a whole host of potential anxieties.  I start to question my social status, income, appearance, possessions, etc.  All of this in a vein effort to assign myself a relative ranking in my social circles and beyond to grade what type of woman I would be qualified to date.  On paper this sounds absurd, however it is indeed what the ego uses as its measurement tools to size up our accomplishments and evaluate our short, medium, and long-term objectives.   In this S.W.A.T. analysis of my dating eligibility I find that I’m not qualified to date most women that I find interesting. 

The flip side of the coin reveals a more settling truth.  That being, I am extremely content and at peace with my life, career, relationships, and connection to God. This is my truer path.  These have come to be as a result of learning to let go, trust in Him, and having allowing take over for striving.  I make plenty of money to do what I need to, I thoroughly enjoy my work and colleagues, I am finding fulfillment in my art, and I’m truly blessed to live where I do and am developing my sense of self again.  Creativity is starting to return to my life, the work I do is making a real difference, I’m healthy, grateful, and I just feel plain old good most of the time.  I am overqualified for most of the women that I find interesting. 

Therein lies the very conflict, imagined or not.  I enjoy being one of those douchebags that when presented with an unanswerable question replies with, “It’s not that I don’t have the answer; you’re asking the wrong question”.  Well, I’m going to douche myself.  The question isn’t whether I am at a particular status that would attract a woman sufficient to fill my desires.  That is very much the wrong question on many levels.  The question is how I can learn to trust that I’m on the right path and continuing to build upon my well-being will lead to sustenance as perpetually provided by the great Mother of all things.  Seeking love with only bring more emptiness.  Allowing love to come will bring a pure and nurturing opportunity for a partnership never visible through the eyes of the ego – only through the giving hand of the Tao.  I am not ready as my ego still has a hand on the wheel. 

Other people have what they need; I alone possess nothing. I alone drift about, like someone without a home.  I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty. Lao Tzu